Veritas

Do, or do not. There is no try. 

Today is the first day that I’m up before 3pm since since summer has started. Although this is because I didn’t go to bed the night before, I’m going to ignore that. I stopped procrastinating and finally started my summer list. And so in these 5 minutes of clarity between sleepy haze and summer daze—birds chirping in the distance, cool breeze upon my back—I lay in bed thinking to myself. Thinking aloud in a soft whisper.

Thinking-     

I think I’ve finally learned

that hating myself

was there ever even a point?

Slow and steady wins

The R—

Absolutely nothing.

Time spent trying to keep up

In a world where everyone else is getting ahead

And then there is me: insignificant.

E pluribus unum: me

But

1 of 7 billion others

Homo sapiens, rather

Homo (same) sapiens

sapien: “wise man”

sapien: “knowing man”

sapien: “successful man”?

Homo—

Especially in our desire for success

1 of 7 billion after the same thing

me: dwarfed by my biological counterparts

Each of us competing for—   —   —

me: insignificant

Undergraduate year one:

Time tick, tick, ticked off by the clock on the library wall,

as much as by the days on the calendar.

My significance is quantitatively derived

Alphabetically derived,

And performance derived,

as opposed to preparation derived.

Rule: performing individuals are significant

(Performance, however is not directly correlated with preparation)

Found: Homo discipulo collegium in her natural habitat—the library

Observe the natural behaviors: head bowed, eye concentrating intently on textbook

Hypothesis: Admission into medical school is dependent upon time spent studying

Results: QPA high, but not quite high enough.

Admission into medical school denied.

Hypothesis rejected.

Me rejected.

me: insignificant

(in)significance is relative—

I am only (in)significant in comparison to others.

Yet, who I am relative to others distinguishes me

It is unique to me

Or so I would like to think…

7 billion homo-success-oriented individuals

me: dwarfed by statistics,

quantized by my education,

taunted by my efforts,

depressed by my constant failures

me: insignificant

Here’s tayotellsthetruth coming to you from her yellow-walled basement apartment. It’s finally summer, so I have no excuse to not tell you what I’ve been up to so far as finals and studying are over. :) I am SO glad to be home! I have so much planned for this summer, and I am already starting to compose my summer list which (if it is appropriate) I might publish on here. So far I spent my summer in pain because I had so much stuff to move into storage near my school, but now I’m all packed and ready to partayyy. I just got a subscription to Netflix, so I imagine that a lot of my summer will be spent watching TV. However, I do also hope to read, work out, and spend quality time with friends, and write to the tumblrverse (of course). Now that I have a lot more time on my hands, I want to start a new writing series. Not sure what that will entail so far, but I do have a few ideas. I hope to fix the “haiku” button on my page and actually publish a series of haikus. Also, I will start publishing some of my works from the school year, so stay tuned. There is so much to look forward to this season. Can’t wait!

xx

1. Fascinating discourse, chum
2. Riveting fable, comrade
3. Intriguing anecdote, brethren
4. Perpetuating argument, colleague
5. Sweet saga, yo
6. Waste of time, jerk
7. Spellbinding reiteration there, my chummy
8. Phantasmagorical novelization, oh great one
9. Interesting intellect, imbecile
10. Trepidating bore, fetus
11. Ballin’ gossip, dawg 

Writing has always been a way to heal for me. I came to terms with my racial identity through writing. I have learned to forgive people through writing. And I’ve mended many a broken hear through writing. In the past, I used to keep my writing a secret; I never used to share it with anyone. Then, about two years ago, I entered a political charged essay about my racial identity into a competition, and I won a prize. it was then that I realized that I was kind of good at this whole writing thing. At the end of 2011, I made this tumblr blog because I wanted an outlet to display my more personal writing, and over the last few months I have shared some of the deepest intimacies of my life with the tumblr-verse. On this blog, especially in the last couple of months, I have shared my deepest feelings about my more recent romantic excursions, and while tumblr is a very public site, it is still rather private. Thus brings me to my dilema…

For my composition class, I wrote an paper about my personal evolution. It talks about my family, my self, and my romantic interests. I wrote it when I was going through my last “breakup” because I needed a way to heal, and I never expected it to get any attention. But then, my professor decided to workshop the piece in class, exposing me, and my secrets to a more personal, visible world. Now she wants me to submit the essay to a writing competition where the winner’s essay will be displayed on the website. The thing is that I wrote some really personal things in that essay, and I am scared of putting my name out there like that. I am scared of the exposure that I will gain (if I win). Even when I workshopped my paper in class it was anonymous. Even with tumblr there is a certain amount of anonymity that comes from writing behind the screen of my computer. And then what about the people that I wrote about in my essay like my parents, and my romantic interests (I refuse to say the word “lovers” because our “relationships” were nothing like that)? I wrote some rather personal things about them in the essay. Things I am not sure that they would want other people to know about them. Is it right for me to submit my essay to the contest for my own personal gain? What would they think of me? What would I think of myself? 

This is perhaps the biggest moral dilema that I have ever faced. On the one hand if I win I will get a lot of money. On the other hand, is the money really worth the exposure that I will be subjecting myself and others to? I’m sure I can handle the exposure/ subsequent embarrassment, but that is because I will be gaining monetary compensation for it. What about the people that I will no doubt hurt because of it. Can I really do that? 

I normally try to contain my moods, but they seem to be coming out more these days. I think some of that is due to the fact that I don’t really like college (new discovery), I miss home like crazy, and I’m SUPER stressed. But, I think another part of that is just that people are not being considerate lately—to me and to each other. Today someone told me that I’m too sensitive, and I carefully considered their insight…for a moment. Then I thought, what is wrong with being sensitive to rude people? What gives people the right to be malicious? I generally try not to say things that will offend other people, but many people seem to not give the same consideration. I admit to being sensitive, but I do not say mean things to people in seriousness, or in jest. I never dish out what I can take; unfortunately that is not the case for others. Furthermore, I think people need to take a long hard look at the people they are making jokes at and the types of jokes that they are saying. These things hurt. Please be more considerate of the feelings of others. Some people might not have the same sense of humor as you. Another thing think that I hate: “sucks to suck”. “Sucks to suck” is only appropriate in some situations, like if someone lost a game of Mario Kart, then “sucks to suck” would be an appropriate response. However, if someone is stressing over the fact that they have a Chemistry lab report, English essay, and Spanish exam and they are running on 3 hours of sleep, then “sucks to suck” is NOT an appropriate response (please take note). 

I am not saying that the lack of consideration that others are showing lately is the reason why I am acting moody lately, but I am saying that it is not helping the situation. When one of your friends is in a mood, you offer them support. You try to cheer them up. You don’t ignore them; you don’t annoy them; you don’t treat them badly. You show them love.

Lastly, if you do think that I am being too sensitive, then I don’t want to call you friend. A true friend would understand what types of things not to do/jokes not to say around someone they truly cared about. If this is how you treat you “friends”, then thanks, but no thanks; I don’t want to be friends with you. 

xx